Mother-of-three who’s had twelve major surgeries that left her without a small intestine and wearing a stoma bag thought her sex life was over- but she was wrong.
Sam Cleasby, 43, from Filey in East Yorkshire, as diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) in 2004, she knew her life would never be the same again.
With her condition worsening, doctors eventually said they had no option but to remove her entire large intestine – but this would be just the first in a series of massive operations over the coming years, which Sam says ‘completely ripped out’ her ‘plumbing’ and left her in constant pain.
But through it all, Sam’s husband Timm was with her every step of the way – and with their three grown-up children all now having left home, she says they are enjoying the best sex of their lives, thanks to their new collection of sex toys.
She said: ‘Timm and I met when we were 17, and instantly knew this was it, we’d be together for life.
‘Like most youngsters, life was great and fun, with a brilliant sex life – we got married in 2004, then were blessed to have three children who were, and are, amazing young people.
‘But the same year we got married, I was devastated to get a diagnosis of Inflammatory Bowel Disease – I’d been suffering increasingly bad stomach pains, and while on the one hand it was a relief to get a firm diagnosis, I knew there was no quick fix.
‘In 2013 I had massive surgery to remove all of my large intestine and have a stoma bag fitted to collect my waste.
Sam Cleasby, 43, from Filey in East Yorkshire, who’s had twelve major surgeries that left her without a small intestine and wearing a stoma bag thought her sex life was over- but she was wrong
‘Over the coming 12 years I endured 11 more major surgeries, removing and recreating parts, and in the last one my bowel perforated, leaving me with sepsis, resulting in me going into a coma.
‘When I was in intensive care, Timm was always there, by my side.
‘I also suffered nerve damage, and suffer from chronic pain, and now rely on morphine patches normally given to end-of-life cancer patients.
‘But the physical side of things aside, the impact on my self-esteem and confidence, and possible impact on our marriage, were also massive issues we had to address.
‘Going through medical surgeries and being disabled alters your body. You have to relearn everything about it, including sex, and that can feel daunting, to put it mildly.
‘At one point I even tried to hide my body from Timm I was so unhappy with it, but he wasn’t having any of that nonsense.
‘Of course straight after every surgery my first thought wasn’t ‘When can we have sex again?’, but soon you realise it’s really important.
‘Your body looks and is different, so you have to get creative and work with what you’ve got.
Sam’s husband Timm (left) was with her every step of the way – and with their three grown-up children all now having left home, she says they are enjoying the best sex of their lives, thanks to their new collection of sex toys
The couple met when they were 17-year-old and got married in 2004, they went onto have three children
At one point Sam even tried to hide her body from Timm, but he ‘wasn’t having any of that nonsense’
In 2013, Sam had massive surgery to remove all of her large intestine and have a stoma bag fitted to collect her waste
Despite the physical toll the surgery’s had on her body, Sam said the impact on her self-esteem and confidence, and possible impact on her marriage was also something she had to address
Sam claimed her new body is ‘like learning to drive a completely different car’
‘I’ve had my bum hole completely sewn-up – what’s called a ‘Barbie-butt’ – and so much of what’s down there is so different to when I was a girl or in my 20s, it’s basically like learning to drive a completely different car.’
Sam said she didn’t want to ask doctors about sex as ‘it’s not something they know about’ so she had to do her own research and ‘try things out’.
She added: ‘The real turning point was a few years ago when Timm and I realised we had to see this as an opportunity to try new, exciting things.
‘It was a ‘suck it and see’ approach! And when I looked online, I saw there was a whole range of sex toys which could set off some fireworks for us, lots of it designed for people with disabilities like me.
‘So, we splashed the cash at websites like Love Honey and Hot Octopuss, and filled up our box of fun with all kinds of clitoral stimulators, vibrators and dildos, but also things like special wedge cushions to change your pelvic angle – I have almost no core strength now, so that in particular was a game changer to achieve orgasm.
‘I also realised the brilliant website Purpl, which offers exclusive discounts for disabled people, got us great deals at Love Honey, so it really didn’t break the bank.
‘Online I could see reviews from other people like me who have disabilities, so we knew what would work – before having a stoma fitted I’d never considered sex toys, but now they’re a complete game-changer. I just wish we’d known sooner!
Sam revealed that sex was never talked about when she was growing ‘in a strictly Catholic home.’
Sam said she didn’t want to ask doctors about sex as ‘it’s not something they know about’ so she had to do her own research and ‘try things out’
Sam revealed that sex was never talked about when she was growing ‘in a strictly Catholic home’
The empty nesters say they ‘can have sex whenever and wherever we want’ now that their children have moved out
Sam revealed that body confidence and sex can be difficult for disabled people, saying society often desexualises them
Sam said: ‘It’s like being teenagers again, making it our mission to get our ‘toy box’ out in every room and see what we can do!’
She added: ‘From day one Tim and I have made it our mission to be as open as possible with our kids about it.
‘We talk about sex being part of the mix with relationships, communication, kindness and consent, but also how it’s a crucial part of a happy partnership.
‘They need their advice from trusted sources, not the misogynistic nonsense spouted by the epidemic of young men on social media these days.
‘They talk to us and we talk to them with no shame, no guilt, just open, honest conversations which help us all lead happier, healthier lives.
‘With our kids now being 20, 22 and 24 and having left home, we’re also in the rather lovely position of being empty-nesters, meaning we can have sex whenever and wherever we want.
‘It’s like being teenagers again, making it our mission to get our ‘toy box’ out in every room and see what we can do!’
Sam, who often shares her story on Instagram, revealed that body confidence and sex can be difficult for disabled people, saying society often desexualises them.
She explained: ‘Being disabled can leave you feeling so alone and isolated, and, frankly, that makes us both sad and angry.
‘Just because you’re in a wheelchair, or you’ve got a stoma, doesn’t mean you lose your sex drive. Society so often desexualises disabled people.
‘I’ve got friends in wheelchairs who’ve been asked if they can have sex anymore, when I know they’re enjoying the best sex of their lives.
‘If you’ve become disabled you might have to learn how your body works all over again, but that can be great fun!
‘It might be a slow burn, and that’s okay. Everyone has different needs, so it is important to figure out what works best for you.
‘Thankfully, sex toy companies are catching up so there are more accessible toys and tools for anyone looking to explore by themselves or with a partner.’
The Women and Equalities Committee Research
Body confidence and sex can be taboos, but even more so for disabled people.
A Special Report from The Women and Equalities Committee presented to Parliament showed 71 percent of people with a disability reported feeling negative or very negative about their body image, compared with 60 percent of people without a disability.
Sam’s use of sex toys reflects a broader shift in society. Durex’s latest Global Sex Survey shows that the number of Brits who have bought a sex toy has grown by 64 percent since 2017.
According to Purpl’s research, 52 percent of disabled people have used sex toys or currently use them.
TV dating shows focused on the romantic lives of disabled people, including The Undateables and Love On The Spectrum, have soared in popularity over the past decade.
However, over a third of disabled people aren’t happy with how disabled people are portrayed on dating shows focused on people in the disabled community, according to research from Purpl, a website which provides discounts for disabled people.